What does this do?

So, I’ve decided to work an extraordinary amount of hours henceforth. I need the money (desperately?) and this is the most readily available way to get it.  It breaks down like this:

2 weeks at 15 hours a week is $311 after taxes.

So 1 week = 15 hours = 311/2 = 155.50

If I work 40 hours a week that’s 80 hours every 2 so…

30×2 = 622 + 155 = $777 every 2 weeks plus another 5 hours pay on top of that so maybe$800?

This math is highly flawed and doesn’t correctly compute taxes and such, but it still holds up.

I figure I can work 6am to 12pm, take a break until either 5 or 6, then work till it gets dark at 8, 5 days a week. That’s not really too difficult a task. I mean, physically and mentally it is totally overwhelming but I have to bring myself back to the level I used to take for granted and this is a good way to get there while making the money I need. I remember the days when these hours would mean nothing to me and I would laugh at the thought of them being a hardship. At UPS over the winter I was moving 2000 packages an hour for 5 hours, getting there early to setup and leaving late after post-sort duties then working another concurrent shift at the same performance rate 5 days a week. It was utter madness. But I was making crazy money.

Hell, I used to work two jobs and go to school. I was so tired after UPS I’m surprised I’m still alive because it was so difficult for me to even drive home after work.

And now here I am.

—

My main monitor finally gave up the ghost. Sucks, really. It turned black last night and went out in a blaze of glory, the status light raving in three different colors. I jumped up and ripped the cord out like my life depended on it.

And now here I sit with just one monitor, a measly 17” flat screen CRT. Ugh.

—

Paying off my credit card is now my main concern. I’ve something like 600-700 dollars on it at the moment. It’s not a terrible burden, the payment minimum being only $25 a month. But when at least 30% of that is going to interest and “fees”, whatever the fuck those are, it can seem to take an eternity to pay off. And given my money-related psychosis, getting rid of that weight will definitely benefit my spirit. It’s amazing how much my Orlando incident scarred me.

—

On an up-note, I had a wonderful weekend. The 50th vow renewal party was a incredibly fun. Elvis was there, in the flesh, and almost everyone was dressed in dazzling 50’s attire. I myself had on a very loud shirt with vertical and horizontal lines of different colors, including pink, with a ridiculously yellow pair of pants. It was bangin. Oh, and speaking of flesh, I ate a 20 ounce burger per the CheeburgerCheeburger challenge. Brad and I got our picture on the wall-of-man, which was neat. While I was eating it I felt bad but after I was done I proceeded to have a piece of wedding cake….where does it all go? Really I was having a hard time because eating plain burger with no flavoring and nothing on it after having eaten so much is sickening. It was the taste that killed me. But, I pushed down my nausea and finished that fucker.

The time that Anna and I spent together this weekend was pleasant all the way around. We got into a fight about money stuff, but that didn’t last too long. It was my fault. I don’t give her enough credit.

I’m stuck in this perpetual state of feeling bad about what I’m doing. Even when I am outside working I still manage to feel like I am doing the wrong thing or that I am just wrong.

There has to be a way to break this cycle.

–

I’ve decided to go ahead and call the Psychologist and schedule an appt tomorrow. I don’t really know what to expect, or even if I can expect anything at all, but it couldn’t hurt and it isn’t expensive so there is no reason for me not to go.

–

Going to Sean’s tonight. Gonna pick up Hajime No Ippo. I really should come back tonight so I can work early tomorrow but I’m such a lazy pos that I probably won’t.

–

Gotta go out tomorrow and get some clothes for the wedding this weekend. I think I’ll have a good time. At least I hope so.

–

Positive note to go out on…hmm…

My workouts are progressing well. I’ve noticed that I’m stronger than I used to be and it’s nice to have that confirmation.

You know, it’s pretty bad that when I am just sitting here and I am content I feel awkward and wrong.

My body doesn’t hurt, I’m not stuffed or hungry, I’m not thirsty, I’m not bored even though I can’t find anything to do, I’m not worrying about tomorrow or the future I’m just content. And I feel incorrect.

—–

Feeling didn’t last very long. Maybe 10 minutes. Now I’m discontent with where I am in life and I feel like going to sleep to get away from it. I feel home again.

I used to have it. Then somewhere I lost it.

Well fuck that.

I’m tired of this shit.

I’m tired of not having a say in my own life. I’m tired of putting up with everyone’s shit. I’m tired of not living by my credo. I’m tired.

Well, I’m all rested up and the time of reckoning is nigh. I don’t need your approval. I don’t need your say. I’m moving forward and that’s that. Everyone else can kiss my ass. My ship is headed in the direction I want and I can see my goals on the horizon.

Anger has tempered my spirit. Embarrassment and shame have hardened my resolve.

I’m done. With this. With that. With everything except what I want.

And I know what I want.

First off, Happy Birthday to my eternal love; 23 and it is the beginning of the end for her (or so she says).

Things have been pretty good for me lately, I suppose. Really I think this in contrast to the way things have been for me, which isn’t so much a bad thing. It just means that things are back to the baseline measurement on the good-bad scale. An acceptable place to be for now. I’m hoping to continue the upward trend.

One such step is the fact that I am now an hourly employee. I have found that being salary leaves me feeling disconnected from my earnings and my work, which is bad for my morale. But, now that it is more direct, my relationship with my job will blossom. Hopefully.

Anna is coming into town this weekend. I can’t wait. Its her birthday weekend so I plan to spend it smothering her with whatever she wants. She wants to watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit, of all movies. But who am I to talk, I’ve seen that movie about 35 times. I was obsessed with it when I was a kid.

Other than that, life proceeds at a glacial pace. I’ve finished another series of books, which was highly entertaining. The ending was a little disappointing but inevitable. (They defeat the bad guys, the main character is impregnated by the sorcerer everyone thought was evil but actually saved the empire, and then he dies. Awesome.) I’ve moved on to a more reliable series, one that I’ve read before. It was back in highschool though so I’ve forgotten the finer points of the story. I reread series a lot.

Cheers. Heres to higher prospects.

–out.

Why is it so hard for me to just do the things I have to do? Like homework? I think so many different reasons pile up and the net result is that I can’t stack up enough motivational reasons and I lose out. The scale is always in the negative, it seems.

Even worse is that I can’t think back and figure out why did my homework in the past. It isn’t like the assignments are different. As a matter of fact, they are exactly the same. Maybe that is the reason. I made a mistake in taking the same class twice be cause now I feel like I have been doing the same work for too long and that is weighing me down. I need change, I think.

Nose to the grindstone, they say. And that is exactly how it is. Flesh ripping, blood pouring, bone splitting, brains spilling.

I wish I could just zone out. But that would just be cheating, huh?

I think about the future a lot more than anyone actually thinks I do. As a matter of fact I think about it every day. I think about it at least once an hour every day. I damn near think about it every second of every day. And it kills me.  And scares me.

I find it so hard to get back to where I used to be. I was doing so well. I was motivated. I had a job. I had TWO jobs. At one point I had two jobs and went to college. And I was doing great at all three. Now I can’t get off my ass and go find a job and I can’t even bring myself to fully exert my energy for school.

I need to put all my effort in going and getting a job. I think, and I know, that if I go and get a job that has set hours and set responsibilities I’ll bounce back. I’ve said this all before and I’ll probably say it all again but, it’s always nice to put it somewhere.

I missed you yesterday.

“Everybody needs someone to talk to. I have waited 10 years. Make this the year you call.

I am here for you.

###-####

Daddy”

I  always get my most motivated at night. At night when I can’t do anything about it.  It’s inconvenient.

I need to do something.  And not just anything, I need something in which I can compete. I need to sweat and strain and win. I need to fight. I need to yearn. I need to be exhausted and content.

I have this energy inside me. This feeling. This thing. This thing that is completely indescribable and is only known by those who thrive for competition. Those who fight to win. Those who never back down and only look forward.

And it kills me. I have this energy inside me and I can’t bring myself to do it because of fear. I think that’s what I’ve boiled it down to. I’m afraid of failure, mostly. I’m afraid that I’ll go out and try to carpe diem and I’ll come up empty. I’ll find out I’m not enough. But fuck that, right? That’s what perseverance is. I need to get off my ass and start doing something.

I need to get a job. Ha. How many times have I said that. If I get a job, no matter what job, I’ll be fine. It really is the answer to “all” my problems. With money I’ll be able to realize my ambitions. How fucked up is that? Money truly does make the world go round. But I don’t want to get just any job. I think, and I am pretty sure, that I am more afraid of disappointing myself than I am of everyone else. The reason I fear everyone else is because I can’t avoid their thoughts and opinions of me and whenever I disappoint someone it just makes me hurt worse. Not because I care about what they think, but because I care what they think. Two different ways there. I can’t even begin to explain that. Well. I’d feel like I’ve failed. I hate failing. Not losing; failing. I’m not scared that I won’t be enough. I’ve never been afraid of that. In anything. I know, with all certainty, that if I apply myself to something, anything, I will excel. I have no limits. But I hate people. I hate having to answer to my family. I hate being disrespected and looked down upon and underestimated. I hate being controlled. More than anything I hate obligation. I hate being forced to do something. I’ll do almost anything you ask me to, but if you TELL me to do something, I feel instantly slighted. Shit. There is a word for that. Disrespected is wrong. Whatever. And it isn’t so much that I am being told to do something, it is I am being commanded to do something because it doesn’t occur that maybe I even have a choice. It isn’t a request in any form. Being told to do something by a boss is different; it’s my boss. Being told to do something by a coworker or teammate or friend or lover or attendant or employee or director or anything else is different. Being told what to do like someone is above me and it is their way no matter what, I’ll never be ok with that. Ever. I hate being treated like it is just expected of me to do things like it is my function. Get the groceries out of my car. Life this heavy thing. Take this TO my car. Come down here for X. Ugh.

I just need to take piano lessons, learn karate, learn boxing, lose 10-15 pounds of fat, get a job, move out of my house.

I just need. Ha.